It’s a Man Thing

I may as well be a Sleestak. I constantly live in my own personal “Land of the Lost.” I misplace everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Anything I come into contact with is sure to disappear at some point in time. Here one day, gone the next. Now you see it, now you don’t. It’s inevitable, like death, taxes and The Breakfast Club on TBS. Once it’s missing, it’s impossible to find. Yesterday, I couldn’t find the can opener. The day before, a pot. Clothes are a real problem. I can’t find my hooded sweatshirt at least 3-4 times a week. Other items in my wardrobe have been M.I.A. for years. It’s not that my house is messy. My wife would kill me if you thought we were hoarders. It could be a prank? My wife does like pranks (especially ones where people convince their friends they won the lottery). But, more than likely, it is just me.

"Hey, Sleestaks! Where are my keys?"

How did this come to be? Why can’t I find things in my own home? Elves? Genetics, maybe? My father can’t find things either, but there is no medical data to suggest a connection. Extensive Internet research suggests the answer is simple:

I’m a man (debatable).

On, one poster asks, “Can anyones man find stuff?” The resounding answer? NO!!! No ones man can find stuff. According to most posters (women), men would lose appendages if they weren’t attached. Items right under our nose go unnoticed. Men are LAZY. Women are usually right about these things.


"Jack! I'm glad you're here. Listen. Have you seen my keys?"

This wouldn’t be a problem for me, if it weren’t for the fact that I like my stuff. I need my stuff. So, on behalf of myself and all other men, I went to my wife for help. Here are her 10 tips to remember the next time you lose something:

  1. Stay calm.
  2. Open your eyes.
  3. Look under, over AND around.
  4. If you think it’s in your pants, check all the pockets.
  5. If you think it’s in a bag, check all the pockets. Even zippered ones.
  6. Spend more than 2 seconds at each location.
  7. Are your eyes still open?
  8. Check the closet. Check it again.
  9. Are you sure it isn’t in the closet?
  10. Don’t stop and just assume your wife will find it for you.

Good Luck! I’m off to find my keys.



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