Rib Tips: Drink Tea

Do you have trouble getting noticed? Feel like another face in the crowd? Loathe yourself? Cry by yourself in the dark? Voted “Least Likely to Succeed” in high school? Are you seeking attention from the opposite sex? The same sex? Anyone? It’s OK. You aren’t alone. There are a lot of boring people in the world. But, today is your lucky day. I have the answer to all your problems:

Drink Tea

Why? Because people who drink tea fascinate Americans as much as celebrity plastic surgery. Or Tom Selleck’s mustache. In our chemical-dependant, Starbucks®-crazy, “I’d DIE without my morning coffee!” society, tea drinkers are as rare as street corners without a Walgreens®.

By simply drinking tea, you look at least 44% smarter (30% if you are wearing Crocs™). This is due to its synonymous relationship with England. All British people sound smart. Therefore, all British people are smart. All British people drink tea. Therefore, drinking tea makes you smart. It’s science.

Tom Selleck

With a cup of tea in your hand, people value your opinion and insight. Like Oprah or Tim Gunn. You can say whatever you want, and people will believe you. Your jokes will get more laughs. Every word of your musings and aphorisms will be met with a sense of childlike awe and wonder. Each cherished more than the last. Your dandruff, disregarded. Your flatulence, forgotten. The sky is the limit. The world, your oyster. (ALWAYS make sure the string is hanging off the side of the cup!  You do not want your tea to be confused with coffee or steaming Mountain Dew®.)

However, be prepared. Some coffee drinkers will become envious of your new stature. They may question the authenticity of your tea consumption. Not to worry. If this happens, there are a few terms you should know:

  • Bergamot
  • Earl Grey
  • Astringency
  • Oolong

After taking a sip of your Earl Grey tea, simply comment on its bergamot flavor or astringency and your accusers will quickly vanish. If some straggle, just shout, “Oolong!” Odds are that will get them running.

So, what are you waiting for? Go forth and drink tea. I look forward to hearing your success story!

Ribs

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2 Responses to “Rib Tips: Drink Tea”

  1. Jesse Says:

    hahaha Sounds like an infomercial. Does iced tea/green tea count? I drink lots of iced tea and happen to be addicted to Arizona Green Tea.

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