Let’s Talk Roofs, Roof Guy!

My wife and I have to replace the roof on our home. Yes. It’s as fun as it sounds. If you ever find yourself on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and Regis asks what the most boring/depressing way to spend $6,000 is, the answer will be, “C: Replacing a roof.” There. Now you don’t have to waste a lifeline. You’re welcome. Anyways, it sucks. Big Time. Like Denny’s®. We knew it would need to be done sometime within the first 3 to 5 years of ownership. As it turns out, it needs to be done immediately, as in now. Yesterday would be better. Being an adult is fun, kids!

shingleSo, I call 1-800 Roof Repair Dude. Mr. Roof comes over to give an estimate and brings enough literature on the subject to craft a paper Kazaam. Life size. (But, sadly, we don’t have any Elmer’s® glue at my home.) He also brings shingle samples. You know, so you can pick the type of shingle you want. That’s right. There are people in this universe we habitate that prefer certain types of roof shingles. Seriously? These people walk among us? When do you develop this preference? During childhood? High school? College? Apparently I was sick that day. Honestly, if you ever find yourself on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and Regis asks what the least interesting thing is a person can have an opinion about, the answer will be, “D: Shingles.” (That’s two lifelines in your pocket, thanks to me.) Outside of cost, I could care less. I care more about the WNBA, than shingles. I want the most “roof-like” gray shingle available. Does it provide shelter from a storm? Prevents leaks? It does? SOLD. “Pleasure doing business with you, shingle seller! Say hello to the wife and kids.”

After you pick your shingle, you have to choose your ventilation. Oh, joy. If variety is the spice of life, vents are the rosemary of roofing. The catalogs are filled with all kinds of vents. Vast amounts of vents. A plethora, you might say. So, Randy Roof starts flipping through a catalog waiting for me to say something, I guess. As if one of the vents is going to catch my eye? Blow my mind, maybe? I really don’t know. The silence could have been cut with a knife, Crocodile Dundee style. Mate! Honestly, I have no idea what I chose. It seemed ventish enough for my taste.

We also discussed PVC pipe flashings, ice and water shields, interior staining and a bunch of other stuff that may as well be Klingon. Most of the conversation is a jumbled blur, consisting of me saying, “Uh huh,” and “Sure. Sure.” By the time it was all over, I felt dumber than Rosie Perez at a Phish concert.

Sometimes, I feel like I missed the day when all the guys get sat down and taught about car repair, plumbing, drywall, landscaping and roofing. It really must be an exhilarating experience, since most every guy I know maintains some sort of interest or knowledge in the subject to this day. Sadly, I must have been playing Paperboy™ or something.



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One Response to “Let’s Talk Roofs, Roof Guy!”

  1. Melissa Says:

    1. I love Denny’s. 2. I do prefer a certain type of shingle.

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