Archive for February, 2010

Ribs’ Reviews: Shutter Island

February 26, 2010

For me, there are five directors whose movies are must-see — The Cohen Brothers, Quentin Tarantino, Wes Anderson, David Fincher and Martin Scorsese. Spike Jonze, maybe.

Most of their movies are EXCELLENT. Not all. Sometimes these film gods falter atop their Mt. Olympus. But rarely, if ever, do they plummet to the valley of Michael Bay. Their movies are never BAD. That is until ….

Shutter Island

Leonardo DiCaprio (Growing Pains) plays Teddy Daniels, a US Marshall assigned to a case on Shutter Island, home to a an insane asylum, jagged cliffs and countless clichés. Ben Kingsley is in it. You know what. Let me just stop right there.

"Shhhh. I have a secret. Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense."

Don’t go see Shutter Island. Just don’t. It simply collapses under the weight of its expectations. The twists and turns are straighter than a laser tag employee. If you have ever watched a movie before you will see the ending coming from 43 miles away. An episode of Blues Clues on Nickelodeon® is more suspenseful. The only real mystery is why Scorsese tried to tap into his inner M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong. Because, last I checked, his last few movies have been terrible. If Scorsese is a self-proclaimed student of film, he should be wearing a Dunce cap right now. Red ink. F+. No smiley face for you, sir.

Also. Enough with DiCaprio already. Someone should tell him there is more to acting than seeing how tiny of a ball you can scrunch your face into. He isn’t Robert DeNiro. He is never going to be Robert DeNiro. Let it go, Martin. Let it go.

Shutter Island receives 1 gravy boat out of 5 because I got to sit in the front row of the stadium seating and put my feet up on the railing.

I have an idea. Go rent Sexy Beast instead. Yes. That was my nickname in college. Yes. You can still call me it. Have you seen Sexy Beast? Most people haven’t. That’s why I ask. Anyways. Ben Kingsley is in Sexy Beast and is so out-of-his-mind EXCELLENT. Words don’t do his performance justice. All I can say is he is far better than Tom Green in Charlie’s Angels. If that means anything to you.

Are you on your way to Blockbuster® yet? Oh. You have Netflix®? I don’t know how that works. Look. Just go to Blockbuster. OK? It’s in the Drama section under “S” for Sexy Beast.

Or “N” for “Not Shutter Island”.

Ribs

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Survivor Predictions: Week 3

February 25, 2010

Record: 0-2

To quote G.W. Bush, “Fool me once Survivor preview, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you’re not gonna fool me again.” “Boston” Rob’s “injury” was more an audition for a CBS drama rather than a serious threat to his well-being. So. He stayed in the game and helped destroy the “Heroes” on the puzzle, once again. Making me wrong, once again.

Surprisingly, the “Heroes” already seem to be voting based on personal agendas rather than team prosperity which throws a serious wrench in my overall prediction for the show. Plus. James is angry, which means stupid things will probably start to happen, because James is stupid (voted off with two immunity idols on his first season). But. For the time being. Because they still have performed so well in the physical aspect of the challenges, I will once again pick them to win tonight’s immunity challenge. I suppose I’m stubborn.

Unfortunately, we have seen very little of the “Villains” at this point, other than “Boston Rob, who has stolen pretty much all of the screen time on that side of the island. It seems unlikely that he would be voted off, since he is definitely the team’s motor and leader. He is close to Sandra, so she is probably safe. I think it is a little too early for a major shocker, i.e. Russel or Parvati.  Because she has been barely mentioned whatsoever, has no physical talents and really offers nothing more than a nasty attitude, I think Courtney will be voted off tonight. Call it a gut guess. Or stupidity.

Prediction: Courtney “Skin and Bones” Yates

Go Tom!

Ribs

Related posts:

Survivor Predictions: Week 1

Survivor Predictions: Week 2

Ribs’ Recollections: Waterworld

February 25, 2010

Waterworld was a movie about a fish man, played by Kevin Costner, who drank his own pee. Dennis Hopper was in it. He wore an eye patch.

Ribs

Apology Not Accepted, Tiger Woods!

February 23, 2010

Dear Tiger Woods,

After mulling it over these past couple of days, I regret to inform you that I do not accept your apology.

As someone who sometimes watches you play golf when you have a lead on Sunday during one of the four major PGA Tour® tournaments, I do not feel your apology will suffice. I mean, one time I spent an entire day playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2002 on PlayStation® 2 instead of studying for midterms. So. As you can see. Sorry isn’t going to cut it, Mr. Playboy.  No way, Jose. You owe me. Big Time. You behaved without morals in your own personal life that I am in no way associated with and all you are going to say is Sorry in a press conference? A press conference? It didn’t even look like you took it seriously. Almost as if it wasn’t necessary in any way whatsoever. Like you wanted people to mind their own business. Why? Don’t you think somehow this whole infidelity thing may have affected me? I mean, it’s me. I’m important!

Remember in 2005 when you won The Masters? I watched that on TV. Hell, I’ve even bought one or two Nike® shirts in my day, more so because of Michael Jordan (Who I see received an invitation to your little event. The P.O. must have lost mine in the mail.), but still. I could have bought PUMA® products, you know. They’re doing some stylish things over there at PUMA these days. Maybe I’ll become a PUMA guy instead of a Tiger guy. A Jungle Cat loyalty swap, if you will. Then we’ll see how Sorry you are. My guess is Very. Very Sorry.

Is this Live? Or Happening Now? Where is this happening? What time is it? I need a few more Tiger graphics to discern what is going on here.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on you? Maybe I have jumped the gun? This has just been a rough couple of months for me. Seeing you in the tabloids and on E! News all the time. You’re not even dating a Kardashian, for christ’s sake! How do you think that makes me feel?

I just don’t know. Can I assume a check with a lot of  zeroes is headed my way in the mail? Maybe one of those large ones you get for winning a tournament? That would be a cute touch and go a long way toward me forgiving your personal, completely non-golf-related indiscretions. I can just imagine trying to use it to buy groceries with. Just like you did in that commercial. How farcical! Or maybe I will come home to find a new 2010 Buick Enclave in my driveway. I’m sure you’ll come up with something so I can put this whole sad story behind me. You could ask Kobe? He seems to know the right gift for such an occasion.

I don’t know. It’s just an idea.

Ribs

Sex Sells

February 22, 2010

Apparently, not too long ago, women in the UK were polled by Del Monte® and asked which male celebrity they would most like to see in popsicle form. Daniel Craig, star of Casino Royale and Look at My Chest, won in a landslide.

Word is, Nature Valley® will be polling USA women later this year to determine which celebrity they would most like to see in granola bar form. My guess is Danny Glover.

Ribs

Ribs’ Reviews: Crazy Heart

February 21, 2010

Jeff Bridges, widely known as “The Cool Guy” from The Big Lebowski or the bald guy from Iron Man, plays Bad Blake, an alcoholic country-music-star-has-been whose days in the spotlight are long since gone and replaced with bowling alley appearances, cheap whiskey and steak dinners in styrofoam containers. (To amplify his bottom-dwelling, we are shown him disposing of a gallon jug of what appears to be his own urine. Which I guess is better than someone else’s.) Somewhere in the Southwest of the USA, Arizona maybe, during his cliché downward spiral, Bad meets a small-time reporter named Jean, played by Maggie Gyllenhaal (Brokeback Mountain’s sister). For whatever reason, because the character development moves faster than Apollo Ohno (watch the Olympics on NBC), Blake falls for Jean like Bisquick® fell for Aunt Jemima®.

This love connection inspires Bad to swallow his pride with a chaser of Pabst® and kick-start his career again with his one-time protegé, Tommy Sweet, played by Colin Farrell (I’m a Douche). The audience doesn’t really know why Bad doesn’t like Tommy but we definitely know that Bad doesn’t like Tommy. Because he says as much. A LOT.

Will Bad return to his glory days? Will he not? Will you care? I suppose you’ll have to see it to find out.

Jeff Bridges gives a riveting performance in Crazy Heart and the Temple of Doom.

It probably sounds like I’m being hard on this movie. That’s because I am. Only due to the fact that there is not a single ounce of creativity throughout the 111 minute runtime. But. I did like Crazy Heart. It follows a timeless formula that never gets old, a formula that seems to work, time and time again. I guess I’m a sucker for it. Also. Jeff Bridges sings in the film better than I have ever seen an actor sing in a film. Even better than Zoe Deschanel in every single movie she has been in. Remember when she sang in The Happening? That seemed pointless. Although, that whole movie seemed pointless. (I hope you agree.) Bridges sings so well, you may even consider buying the soundtrack and not breaking it. The acting is EXCELLENT and award-worthy. Robert Duvall (Every Movie Ever Made) makes a brief appearance, you know, because he is still alive.

This movie receives 3.25 gravy boats out of 5. It doesn’t do much. But what it does do it does well.

If you are looking for originality. Look elsewhere. Remember last year when The Wrestler came out? Well, this year Crazy Heart came out. If you are short on movie ticket cash, you could simply relive your screening of The Wrestler and replace the word “wrestling” with “country music,” then you would have Crazy Heart. There is even a broken, abandoned father-child relationship. Which is always a must. If you have a couple of dollar bills stashed in your jeans, give it a shot.

By the way, internet. Did you see The Hurt Locker? That looks pretty good. Hello? Internet?

Ribs

You Say Tomato, I Say Music Blog

February 20, 2010

If you like music, humor and reading words, you should peruse my friend’s blog at musicblogfunpartytime.wordpress.com. I think he also plays in a band or two. He is a regular Danny DeVito. Which is to say, a Renaissance Man.

Go check it out. I can only assume he is working on a Uncle Kracker post right this very minute.

You can also access his blog and other things I read on the bottom right of my sidebar. Underneath Things I Read.

Ribs

Ribs’ Recollections: The Itsty-Bitsy Spider

February 20, 2010

The Itsy-Bitsy Spider was a little ditty I always enjoyed as a child:

“The itsy-bitsty spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Up came the sun and dried up all the rain and the itsty-bitsy spider went up the spout again.

If so inclined, one could draw comparisons to the mythical tale of Sisyphus, a Greek king banished to Hades, doomed to push a boulder up a hill for all of eternity only to watch it roll down immediately upon reaching the top, or the plight of those in English poet T.S. Eliot’s The Wasteland.

To take things one step further, you could interpret both tales as well as The Itsy-Bitsy Spider as symbols of modern life and the 21st century man in that many of us find ourselves repeating the same actions and mistakes over and over, never experiencing new results yet continuing the process in the hopes of a better outcome. Essentially what Albert Einstein would define as insanity.

Perhaps Vaclav Havel, former president of Czechoslovakia, said it best, “The tragedy of modern man is not that he knows less and less about the meaning of his own life, but that it bothers him less and less.”

Good point, Vaclav. Good point indeed.

Anyways. I always kind of liked spiders. Remember Arachnophobia? That movie was weird.

Ribs

We Must All Have Pancakes, Forthwith!

February 19, 2010

Between you, me and the internet, I have been jonesin’ for some pancakes for about two weeks now. Bad! Like Ozzy Osbourne and bat heads, but with pancakes. Ya dig? We don’t have a Teflon® pan. And if we did, it would probably be dirty. Don’t judge, Judy.  So. Last night, my wife and daughter and I loaded up the Saturn® and hit the highway. Destination: The Original Pancake House® (OPH).

Now, I know what you are thinking, “But Ribs, my dear, dear, muscular friend, OPH isn’t open at night.” You don’t think I know that? Please. I know that. However, we recently received a coupon in the mail from OPH stating, “Visit our Downer Ave. location. Now open for dinner Wed. thru  Sat.” (Lucky for us it was Thur., which falls in between Wed. and Sat.) Breakfast for dinner? Well, hot-diggity dog! Don’t mind if I do. Exclamation Point!

They also claim to be, “Home of the Dutch Baby!” A Dutch Baby is not a newborn from Amsterdam, but rather a heaping mound of dough filled with sugar, cinnamon and apples the size of a newborn from Amsterdam. It could sink the Titanic if some billionaire took the trouble to pull up the entire Titanic, reassemble it and return it to seaworthy conditions. But I digress.

So. As I said before. We hit the road. Spirits were high with pancakes on the horizon and rainbows in our hearts. Smiles stretched ear to ear.

Sadly. Our timing couldn’t have been worse. It was the middle of Rush Hour. Just call me, Jackie Chan (which would make my wife Chris Tucker, I guess. Gross.). Therefore. It took a half hour to get downtown. Once there, we couldn’t find parking. But OPH was in sight. We were in the proximity of pancakes. Of that we were sure. So. We pushed on. As we scanned the dimly lit terrain for a space, we noticed that the lights in OPH seemed eerily not on. Almost as if they were off. “Hmm…,” we thought. Tensions rose in the Saturn.

We tried to remain optimistic. Glasses half full, and what not. “They probably keep the lights off, you know, because of the economy.” “Maybe it’s a surprise party for us?” “Pancakes taste better with the lights off, don’t you think?” “I had carrots for lunch, so it shouldn’t be a problem.” It was futile. You could cut the panic with a sharp object.

I pulled into the nearest lot and put the car in “P”. My wife pulled out her Verizon Wireless™ cell phone and dialed OPH’s digits post-haste. She waited for an answer. And waited. And waited. It was the hardest part. No answer came. Only the sorrowful sounds of silence. And ringing.

They were CLOSED.

On this particular Thur., there was no dinner being served at their Downer location. No. None at all. The place was sans customers. Crickets. Chairs were on tables. Tables were on the floor. Ok, that’s usual, but you get the point. Bummer City, Population: Us. Talk about false advertising. Some ad intern really dropped the ball. Yancy Thigpen style. I mean, it’s one thing to randomly capitalize the letter “O” in the words “Orange” and “Omelettes” but it’s another thing entirely to lie about business hours. Tisk, tisk, OPH. Shame on you for inspiring false pancake hopes and then crushing them without even a second thought.

“What then?” you wonder.

I regret to inform you, not all stories have happy endings or Princesses. Sometimes the hero doesn’t ride off into the sunset, slay the dragon or get the girl. No. Some stories are just sad and barely worth telling. Like this one.

We drove back home with our heads hung low and our bellies pancake-less. My wife had a sandwich for dinner. I had a sandwich and Alphabet soup.

I spelled bad words.

Ribs

Survivor Predictions: Week 2

February 19, 2010

*Unfortunately, I was unable to post this before last night’s  episode. Fortunately, that doesn’t make me any less wrong.*

Record: 0-1

It looks as though I was right about the “Heroes” dominating the physical challenges. Here’s to small victories. Little did I know, the “Heroes” would be AWFUL at puzzles. Seriously. I think Al Gore and a styrofoam cup could have worked together better than that. Hell, even the New Jersey Nets could have beat them.

Therefore. Sugar was the first to the chopping block. Don’t cry for her, Argentina.

Any-Hoo.  Based on the previews for this week’s episode, I would have to assume “Boston” Rob will be leaving the game tonight. I can only recall one player in the history of Survivor to suffer a major injury and return. So. The smart money says that this is “The Boy from Bean Town’s” last episode and there will be no Tribal Council (CBS has to milk this cash cow as long as they can).

Prediction: “Boston” Rob

Coach is a pimp!

Ribs

Related Posts:

Survivor Predictions: Week 1