Apology Not Accepted, Tiger Woods!

Dear Tiger Woods,

After mulling it over these past couple of days, I regret to inform you that I do not accept your apology.

As someone who sometimes watches you play golf when you have a lead on Sunday during one of the four major PGA Tour® tournaments, I do not feel your apology will suffice. I mean, one time I spent an entire day playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2002 on PlayStation® 2 instead of studying for midterms. So. As you can see. Sorry isn’t going to cut it, Mr. Playboy.  No way, Jose. You owe me. Big Time. You behaved without morals in your own personal life that I am in no way associated with and all you are going to say is Sorry in a press conference? A press conference? It didn’t even look like you took it seriously. Almost as if it wasn’t necessary in any way whatsoever. Like you wanted people to mind their own business. Why? Don’t you think somehow this whole infidelity thing may have affected me? I mean, it’s me. I’m important!

Remember in 2005 when you won The Masters? I watched that on TV. Hell, I’ve even bought one or two Nike® shirts in my day, more so because of Michael Jordan (Who I see received an invitation to your little event. The P.O. must have lost mine in the mail.), but still. I could have bought PUMA® products, you know. They’re doing some stylish things over there at PUMA these days. Maybe I’ll become a PUMA guy instead of a Tiger guy. A Jungle Cat loyalty swap, if you will. Then we’ll see how Sorry you are. My guess is Very. Very Sorry.

Is this Live? Or Happening Now? Where is this happening? What time is it? I need a few more Tiger graphics to discern what is going on here.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on you? Maybe I have jumped the gun? This has just been a rough couple of months for me. Seeing you in the tabloids and on E! News all the time. You’re not even dating a Kardashian, for christ’s sake! How do you think that makes me feel?

I just don’t know. Can I assume a check with a lot of  zeroes is headed my way in the mail? Maybe one of those large ones you get for winning a tournament? That would be a cute touch and go a long way toward me forgiving your personal, completely non-golf-related indiscretions. I can just imagine trying to use it to buy groceries with. Just like you did in that commercial. How farcical! Or maybe I will come home to find a new 2010 Buick Enclave in my driveway. I’m sure you’ll come up with something so I can put this whole sad story behind me. You could ask Kobe? He seems to know the right gift for such an occasion.

I don’t know. It’s just an idea.

Ribs

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One Response to “Apology Not Accepted, Tiger Woods!”

  1. Jack Burton Says:

    He didn’t even say he loved his wife once during the whole spiel.

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