Ribs’ Reviews: Shutter Island

For me, there are five directors whose movies are must-see — The Cohen Brothers, Quentin Tarantino, Wes Anderson, David Fincher and Martin Scorsese. Spike Jonze, maybe.

Most of their movies are EXCELLENT. Not all. Sometimes these film gods falter atop their Mt. Olympus. But rarely, if ever, do they plummet to the valley of Michael Bay. Their movies are never BAD. That is until ….

Shutter Island

Leonardo DiCaprio (Growing Pains) plays Teddy Daniels, a US Marshall assigned to a case on Shutter Island, home to a an insane asylum, jagged cliffs and countless clichés. Ben Kingsley is in it. You know what. Let me just stop right there.

"Shhhh. I have a secret. Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense."

Don’t go see Shutter Island. Just don’t. It simply collapses under the weight of its expectations. The twists and turns are straighter than a laser tag employee. If you have ever watched a movie before you will see the ending coming from 43 miles away. An episode of Blues Clues on Nickelodeon® is more suspenseful. The only real mystery is why Scorsese tried to tap into his inner M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong. Because, last I checked, his last few movies have been terrible. If Scorsese is a self-proclaimed student of film, he should be wearing a Dunce cap right now. Red ink. F+. No smiley face for you, sir.

Also. Enough with DiCaprio already. Someone should tell him there is more to acting than seeing how tiny of a ball you can scrunch your face into. He isn’t Robert DeNiro. He is never going to be Robert DeNiro. Let it go, Martin. Let it go.

Shutter Island receives 1 gravy boat out of 5 because I got to sit in the front row of the stadium seating and put my feet up on the railing.

I have an idea. Go rent Sexy Beast instead. Yes. That was my nickname in college. Yes. You can still call me it. Have you seen Sexy Beast? Most people haven’t. That’s why I ask. Anyways. Ben Kingsley is in Sexy Beast and is so out-of-his-mind EXCELLENT. Words don’t do his performance justice. All I can say is he is far better than Tom Green in Charlie’s Angels. If that means anything to you.

Are you on your way to Blockbuster® yet? Oh. You have Netflix®? I don’t know how that works. Look. Just go to Blockbuster. OK? It’s in the Drama section under “S” for Sexy Beast.

Or “N” for “Not Shutter Island”.

Ribs

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One Response to “Ribs’ Reviews: Shutter Island”

  1. Pedro Says:

    Even the book was crap. The preview gave away any idea of this being an acceptable movie, it contained ” with a suprise twist ending!” Vader is Luke’s father? Really? Thanks for blowing the “surprise twist ending” preview voice guy.

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