Archive for the ‘Meat and Potatoes’ Category

A Brief History of Fireworks

July 6, 2010

Fireworks were first invented by Chinese people.

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British!

April 21, 2010

If I were to make a movie, I would call it British!

It would star Sir. Anthony Hopkins, Dame Judy Dench, Helen Mirren, Emma Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, The Teletubbies, Kiera Knightley, Colin Firth, Ralph Fienes, the vampire from Twilight, Jude Law, Clive Owens, John Cleese, Hugh Grant, Kate Winslett and Tim McGraw.

The plot would involve two young lovers separated by their class. Everyone would wear funny looking pants.

Maybe I’ve said too much …. I don’t want to spoil it.

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Ribs’ Recollections: Who Let the Dogs Out?

March 12, 2010

My guess is the butler.

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Survivor Predictions: Week 5

March 11, 2010

Record: 0-4

By this point you should be hanging on my every word.

What was more huge last week? Tom finding the immunity idol or JD flipping and voting off Cirie? The answer: Both.

Honestly, I’m shocked at just how bad the “Heroes” have been at the challenges thus far. There wasn’t even a puzzle last week. But I can’t imagine them losing three in a row. I mean really. SO. Once again I will pick them to win the immunity challenge.

Because of that, I will stick with my pick from last week. Russel isn’t making friends by looking for the immunity idol. He will likely find it making the “Villains” weary to vote for him so they will go after Parvati. Maybe I will just pick Parvati every week? It has to be right sooner or later.

Prediction: Parvati

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Down with the Sickness

March 5, 2010

I have a cold. It feels like I got smacked in the head with a blunt medieval weapon. Like a mace or a quarterstaff (Wikipedia). I don’t much care for it. To be honest.

On a scale of 4-9, being sick gets a 3.

This is unusual for me. I never get sick. EVER. I’m typically immune to everything. Even pig flu. Or bird flu. Or pig bird flu. When people say, “Don’t come near me. I’m sick.” I come near them and make them feel wonderful about themselves. When my wife says, “Don’t kiss me. I don’t want you to get sick.” I say, “I’ll take my chances.” Cause that is smooth and I like my odds.

I’ve always been quite certain that were the world to fall victim to an engineered virus that turned all humans into ravenous, flesh-eating zombies, I would be fine. A-Okay. I would learn to adapt and survive in this post-apocalyptic world with my pet dog, Odysseus. We would scavenge through the rubble once known as “civilization”  in search of food, supplies and other survivors. During the day, we would hunt the zombie people for shits and giggles in the name of science. In the hope that we may find the cure. (Now. I’m not a scientist like Will Smith. So. That last part is unlikely. We would hunt them, though. Of that I am sure. Cause, honestly, what else are you gonna do with your time in that situation? Watch TV? Out of the question. Man vs. Food would not still be on the air.)

But now. With this cold. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m doomed to be a zombie person just like the rest of you.

Bummer.

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Survivor Predictions: Week 4

March 4, 2010

Record: 0-3

Close but no cigar. Last week I wrote out my entire post with the intention of picking Randy to be voted out. For reals. Then, at the last minute, I changed it to Courtney. Why? You ask. I don’t know. My bad. At least I picked the right team. Here’s to small victories!

By the way. Remember when Randy threw his buff in the fire? Is he five years old? No. He is like 50 something. But still.

If you ask me, there was definitely a little interference from the producers in last week’s episode by making the reward/immunity challenge entirely physical with no puzzle to be found. I doubt CBS/Mark Burnett wants this thing to become too one-sided. Naturally. The “Heroes” won immunity 7-0 without hardly breaking a sweat. James vs. Randy has to be one of the most lopsided matchups in the history of the show. It looked like Shaquille O’Neal fighting a muskrat. Now that the “Heroes” have their mojo going, I imagine you will see a puzzle again this episode.

Without further ado. I’m sticking with the “Heroes” on the immunity challenge. Four weeks in a row. This is the week they conquer the puzzle and tie the score.  It looks like “Boston” Rob and Russel are about to start a power struggle on the “Villains” that may tear the tribe in half. As it is now, I think more people will stick with “Boston” Rob due to his value and popularity. Because it will be too early to get rid of Russel for physical reasons, Rob will chop off one of his legs by going for Parvati. A serious threat in her own right, and a previous winner.

Prediction: Parvati

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Ribs’ Reviews: Shutter Island

February 26, 2010

For me, there are five directors whose movies are must-see — The Cohen Brothers, Quentin Tarantino, Wes Anderson, David Fincher and Martin Scorsese. Spike Jonze, maybe.

Most of their movies are EXCELLENT. Not all. Sometimes these film gods falter atop their Mt. Olympus. But rarely, if ever, do they plummet to the valley of Michael Bay. Their movies are never BAD. That is until ….

Shutter Island

Leonardo DiCaprio (Growing Pains) plays Teddy Daniels, a US Marshall assigned to a case on Shutter Island, home to a an insane asylum, jagged cliffs and countless clichés. Ben Kingsley is in it. You know what. Let me just stop right there.

"Shhhh. I have a secret. Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense."

Don’t go see Shutter Island. Just don’t. It simply collapses under the weight of its expectations. The twists and turns are straighter than a laser tag employee. If you have ever watched a movie before you will see the ending coming from 43 miles away. An episode of Blues Clues on Nickelodeon® is more suspenseful. The only real mystery is why Scorsese tried to tap into his inner M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong. Because, last I checked, his last few movies have been terrible. If Scorsese is a self-proclaimed student of film, he should be wearing a Dunce cap right now. Red ink. F+. No smiley face for you, sir.

Also. Enough with DiCaprio already. Someone should tell him there is more to acting than seeing how tiny of a ball you can scrunch your face into. He isn’t Robert DeNiro. He is never going to be Robert DeNiro. Let it go, Martin. Let it go.

Shutter Island receives 1 gravy boat out of 5 because I got to sit in the front row of the stadium seating and put my feet up on the railing.

I have an idea. Go rent Sexy Beast instead. Yes. That was my nickname in college. Yes. You can still call me it. Have you seen Sexy Beast? Most people haven’t. That’s why I ask. Anyways. Ben Kingsley is in Sexy Beast and is so out-of-his-mind EXCELLENT. Words don’t do his performance justice. All I can say is he is far better than Tom Green in Charlie’s Angels. If that means anything to you.

Are you on your way to Blockbuster® yet? Oh. You have Netflix®? I don’t know how that works. Look. Just go to Blockbuster. OK? It’s in the Drama section under “S” for Sexy Beast.

Or “N” for “Not Shutter Island”.

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Survivor Predictions: Week 3

February 25, 2010

Record: 0-2

To quote G.W. Bush, “Fool me once Survivor preview, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you’re not gonna fool me again.” “Boston” Rob’s “injury” was more an audition for a CBS drama rather than a serious threat to his well-being. So. He stayed in the game and helped destroy the “Heroes” on the puzzle, once again. Making me wrong, once again.

Surprisingly, the “Heroes” already seem to be voting based on personal agendas rather than team prosperity which throws a serious wrench in my overall prediction for the show. Plus. James is angry, which means stupid things will probably start to happen, because James is stupid (voted off with two immunity idols on his first season). But. For the time being. Because they still have performed so well in the physical aspect of the challenges, I will once again pick them to win tonight’s immunity challenge. I suppose I’m stubborn.

Unfortunately, we have seen very little of the “Villains” at this point, other than “Boston Rob, who has stolen pretty much all of the screen time on that side of the island. It seems unlikely that he would be voted off, since he is definitely the team’s motor and leader. He is close to Sandra, so she is probably safe. I think it is a little too early for a major shocker, i.e. Russel or Parvati.  Because she has been barely mentioned whatsoever, has no physical talents and really offers nothing more than a nasty attitude, I think Courtney will be voted off tonight. Call it a gut guess. Or stupidity.

Prediction: Courtney “Skin and Bones” Yates

Go Tom!

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Related posts:

Survivor Predictions: Week 1

Survivor Predictions: Week 2

Apology Not Accepted, Tiger Woods!

February 23, 2010

Dear Tiger Woods,

After mulling it over these past couple of days, I regret to inform you that I do not accept your apology.

As someone who sometimes watches you play golf when you have a lead on Sunday during one of the four major PGA Tour® tournaments, I do not feel your apology will suffice. I mean, one time I spent an entire day playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2002 on PlayStation® 2 instead of studying for midterms. So. As you can see. Sorry isn’t going to cut it, Mr. Playboy.  No way, Jose. You owe me. Big Time. You behaved without morals in your own personal life that I am in no way associated with and all you are going to say is Sorry in a press conference? A press conference? It didn’t even look like you took it seriously. Almost as if it wasn’t necessary in any way whatsoever. Like you wanted people to mind their own business. Why? Don’t you think somehow this whole infidelity thing may have affected me? I mean, it’s me. I’m important!

Remember in 2005 when you won The Masters? I watched that on TV. Hell, I’ve even bought one or two Nike® shirts in my day, more so because of Michael Jordan (Who I see received an invitation to your little event. The P.O. must have lost mine in the mail.), but still. I could have bought PUMA® products, you know. They’re doing some stylish things over there at PUMA these days. Maybe I’ll become a PUMA guy instead of a Tiger guy. A Jungle Cat loyalty swap, if you will. Then we’ll see how Sorry you are. My guess is Very. Very Sorry.

Is this Live? Or Happening Now? Where is this happening? What time is it? I need a few more Tiger graphics to discern what is going on here.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on you? Maybe I have jumped the gun? This has just been a rough couple of months for me. Seeing you in the tabloids and on E! News all the time. You’re not even dating a Kardashian, for christ’s sake! How do you think that makes me feel?

I just don’t know. Can I assume a check with a lot of  zeroes is headed my way in the mail? Maybe one of those large ones you get for winning a tournament? That would be a cute touch and go a long way toward me forgiving your personal, completely non-golf-related indiscretions. I can just imagine trying to use it to buy groceries with. Just like you did in that commercial. How farcical! Or maybe I will come home to find a new 2010 Buick Enclave in my driveway. I’m sure you’ll come up with something so I can put this whole sad story behind me. You could ask Kobe? He seems to know the right gift for such an occasion.

I don’t know. It’s just an idea.

Ribs

Sex Sells

February 22, 2010

Apparently, not too long ago, women in the UK were polled by Del Monte® and asked which male celebrity they would most like to see in popsicle form. Daniel Craig, star of Casino Royale and Look at My Chest, won in a landslide.

Word is, Nature Valley® will be polling USA women later this year to determine which celebrity they would most like to see in granola bar form. My guess is Danny Glover.

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