Archive for the ‘Rib Tips’ Category

Rib Tips: Drink Tea

January 16, 2010

Do you have trouble getting noticed? Feel like another face in the crowd? Loathe yourself? Cry by yourself in the dark? Voted “Least Likely to Succeed” in high school? Are you seeking attention from the opposite sex? The same sex? Anyone? It’s OK. You aren’t alone. There are a lot of boring people in the world. But, today is your lucky day. I have the answer to all your problems:

Drink Tea

Why? Because people who drink tea fascinate Americans as much as celebrity plastic surgery. Or Tom Selleck’s mustache. In our chemical-dependant, Starbucks®-crazy, “I’d DIE without my morning coffee!” society, tea drinkers are as rare as street corners without a Walgreens®.

By simply drinking tea, you look at least 44% smarter (30% if you are wearing Crocs™). This is due to its synonymous relationship with England. All British people sound smart. Therefore, all British people are smart. All British people drink tea. Therefore, drinking tea makes you smart. It’s science.

Tom Selleck

With a cup of tea in your hand, people value your opinion and insight. Like Oprah or Tim Gunn. You can say whatever you want, and people will believe you. Your jokes will get more laughs. Every word of your musings and aphorisms will be met with a sense of childlike awe and wonder. Each cherished more than the last. Your dandruff, disregarded. Your flatulence, forgotten. The sky is the limit. The world, your oyster. (ALWAYS make sure the string is hanging off the side of the cup!  You do not want your tea to be confused with coffee or steaming Mountain Dew®.)

However, be prepared. Some coffee drinkers will become envious of your new stature. They may question the authenticity of your tea consumption. Not to worry. If this happens, there are a few terms you should know:

  • Bergamot
  • Earl Grey
  • Astringency
  • Oolong

After taking a sip of your Earl Grey tea, simply comment on its bergamot flavor or astringency and your accusers will quickly vanish. If some straggle, just shout, “Oolong!” Odds are that will get them running.

So, what are you waiting for? Go forth and drink tea. I look forward to hearing your success story!

Ribs

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Rib Tips: Learn the Guitar

January 12, 2010

Guitar Hero® is not fun (or Rock Band®). Let me tell you how I know this. I know this because I have played Guitar Hero. What I do not know is why other people (millions, maybe billions) who have played Guitar Hero disagree with me.

Part of the appeal to video games, in my opinion, is the escapism. Simply by turning on your TV, you are taken away to historical sites, war zones, alien lands and other fantastic environments. Unlike in movies, you actually experience this first hand (kind of). As a drone in the Midwest, I can say with confidence that I will never be a Space Marine. It is fair to assume I will never travel back in time to fight in WW2. Or transform into a hedgehog. Sonic or normal. Video games allow me that opportunity. To shut off my brain and escape. This is where Guitar Hero fails. In the game, your character is a guy, on a stage with a guitar. Go to any bar in any town on any Saturday night. Do you know what you will find? A guy, on a stage … with a guitar. This doesn’t interest me. But, if it interests you, may I recommend this:

  1. Sell Guitar Hero.
  2. Buy a guitar.
  3. Invest the time you would have played Guitar Hero on learning how to play the guitar.
  4. Go to a bar.
  5. Play guitar on stage.

There once was a time when I could play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” on the guitar, so, as an expert string picker, I can tell you that the skills aren’t that different from Guitar Hero. It takes rhythm, timing, patience and practice. If you are good, the sky is the limit. Maybe you’ll be the next Sammy Hagar. If you’re bad, don’t worry. I haven’t got to the best part yet.

Guitar Hero

Chicks do not dig this.

Girls dig guys that play the guitar. It’s in their genetic code. They eat it up like Dannon® yogurt and gay vampires. If you are looking to ride the love train, learning the guitar is your ticket on board. Just ask Tom Petty. That dude is not a good looking man, but it hasn’t hurt him one bit. Simply bring your guitar everywhere you go. No matter how random the occasion. Pull that puppy out of your trunk, play 5 seconds of a Counting Crows song (literally, that’s it) and you are money.

As far as Guitar Hero players? It’s not like you can just pull that out in an Arby’s® parking lot. Plus, my wife says it’s not the same. And she’s a girl.

Ribs