Posts Tagged ‘zombie’

Down with the Sickness

March 5, 2010

I have a cold. It feels like I got smacked in the head with a blunt medieval weapon. Like a mace or a quarterstaff (Wikipedia). I don’t much care for it. To be honest.

On a scale of 4-9, being sick gets a 3.

This is unusual for me. I never get sick. EVER. I’m typically immune to everything. Even pig flu. Or bird flu. Or pig bird flu. When people say, “Don’t come near me. I’m sick.” I come near them and make them feel wonderful about themselves. When my wife says, “Don’t kiss me. I don’t want you to get sick.” I say, “I’ll take my chances.” Cause that is smooth and I like my odds.

I’ve always been quite certain that were the world to fall victim to an engineered virus that turned all humans into ravenous, flesh-eating zombies, I would be fine. A-Okay. I would learn to adapt and survive in this post-apocalyptic world with my pet dog, Odysseus. We would scavenge through the rubble once known as “civilization”  in search of food, supplies and other survivors. During the day, we would hunt the zombie people for shits and giggles in the name of science. In the hope that we may find the cure. (Now. I’m not a scientist like Will Smith. So. That last part is unlikely. We would hunt them, though. Of that I am sure. Cause, honestly, what else are you gonna do with your time in that situation? Watch TV? Out of the question. Man vs. Food would not still be on the air.)

But now. With this cold. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m doomed to be a zombie person just like the rest of you.

Bummer.

Ribs

Happy Wednesday!

January 13, 2010

Today, as is common on Wednesdays, coworkers wished myself and other drones a “Happy Hump Day!” Personally, I don’t recognize Hump Day, due to my beliefs, yet I cordially accepted their well wishes rather then make a scene in the name of political correctness. However, this made me wonder, why are Wednesdays so special in that they deserve their own nickname? What makes them better than Thursday? So, instead of doing my job, I created a nickname for every day of the week:

Monday: Lugubrious Day

Mondays are miserable. Filled with melancholy and mourning. The “Is it Monday Yet?” campaign is an utter lie. No one has ever said that. EVER. Don’t lie to me, ESPN. Since misery loves company, and also hates Mondays, a friendly, “Happy Lugubrious Day!” from a fellow drone may just do the body good.

Tuesday: Whiskey Day

In Ireland, they put whiskey in their coffee. Remember that next Tuesday morning … and afternoon. Cheers!

Wednesday: Hump Day

This aforementioned nickname celebrates the fact that you only have to stay at work for the rest of the day then return for the next two consecutive days (roughly 18+ hours) before enjoying two brief days off and doing it all over again.

calendar

Thursday: Zombie Day

You no longer speak in full sentences. You appear disheveled. Distraught. Dismembered? Hair has either fallen or been pulled out. Bags billow around your eyes. Was there ever a time you weren’t at work? When was the last time you had an original thought? Why are you craving BRAINS? Are you alive? You check your pulse … no, you’re dead.

Friday: Denial Day

It’s not only a river in Egypt. Now it’s a day of the week. Often, on Fridays, the thought may cross your mind that work isn’t all that bad. Maybe you overreact? Exaggerate? Hyperbolize? Next week will be better. Filled with possibility. Days will be seized and what not. Don’t be fooled. That’s the high of the soon-to-be weekend soaking into your cerebellum. It really is that bad. Don’t forget it.

Happy Wednesday!

Ribs